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10 Things Said That Will End a 1st Date Quickly.

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Coming off of a bit of a dating spree and couldn’t help myself from sharing a few things I’ve learned. The first date is at times an awkward even painful experience. Why make it worse than it has to be? There are a few things that ultimately you shouldn’t discuss when meeting a dating prospect for the first time, things you shouldn’t utter..things that may result in  your date walking out on you. I should mention that I did walk out on one and though for the first time, it was both insanely rude of me as well as refreshingly liberating. Let me explain further. You may want to jot these down.

10 Things Not To Say on a First Date

1. “My ex was nuts. There were jealousy issues in the relationship” – Why are you talking about your past relationship on a first date? How is this relevant to the newness of meeting each other? All this says to me is that you’re either not over it and if you’re out with me, you should probably be over it. In general, the issues in your passed love affairs shouldn’t be a topic you’re dying to explore with a new person on a first date. Save it for your therapist, order a cocktail and engage in real conversation instead.

2. “I’m unemployed. I’m trying to find myself” – What?! Get a job! Look, I’m all for trying to figure out your path in life and not being sure where your happiness in life truly lies, but in the meantime shouldn’t you be paying your bills? Get a job, I have nothing more to say about this one.

3. “I’m not looking for anything serious” – Can I  order my dinner before you jump to conclusions about what I am looking for? For pete’s sake I know I am in my 30s but just because I’ve agreed to hang out with you doesn’t mean I’m ready to jump into a relationship. Get over yourself.

4. “BTDubs” – How about STFU? Seriously, you’re offline and in the real world. Please don’t speak in acronyms and think it’s cute. You’re not Lauren Conrad and this isn’t The Hills. It makes you sound like a complete ass.

5. “My Ex and I used to come here” – Again with the ex? Why don’t you call her and ask her to join us too? Seriously, whether you’re a guy or a gal leave the ex factor out of the conversation. It really is a big turn just as much as your Facebook photo that has him or her cropped out of it. If you’re not over it you have no business dating. Take sometime to yourself to figure things out.

6. “I’m a Serial Monogamist” – Great. So how many unsuccessful relationships have you been in? How many times have you jumped from one to another? I’m so honored you’re out with me right now.  Am I next? Shut up. There’s no need to divulge your dating patterns at this point. The fact that you’re able to commit is great,  but none of them going anywhere only makes me wonder, “what’s wrong with this guy?”

7. “I need an adventurous girl” – I rock climb, hike and indulge in spicy food on occasion, is that what you mean? REALLY. Can we get through a date before you’re making “bedroom demands” or telling me your fantasies? This same guy likes to prematurely sext and send inappropriate photos of himself. Major red flag.

8. “Did that tattoo hurt?” – No, I orgasmed. Of course it hurt you idiot. There are needles in the machine you refer to as a tattoo gun. I wish I had a gun to put myself out of misery from a ten minute conversation with you. Here’s a tip, generally people with many tattoos don’t want to answer stupid questions about tattoos.

9. “You’re perfume smells like my Mother” – Hold the phone freak. I’m glad your Mother has taste and may or may not wear Chanel but never compare me to her. That’s a sure fire way for me to NOT to answer the phone the next time you call.

The number 10 thing never to say on a first date, the one that caused me to stand up and walk out.

10. “Ultimately, I know I want to be with my ex” – Great, thanks for the heads up. Ordinarily, I would have probably related to this and offered some piece of advice because I understand what it’s like to feel like that way. However,  I had recently been jerked around for two months by a guy who clearly wasn’t over his ex, who wasted my time because he was lonely and “ultimately” exited out of my life with that very statement. So, to hear it on first date with someone else so soon after certainly rubbed me the wrong way. I stood up and walked out. I’m sure he thinks I’m odd or crazy even for doing so but I did it and it felt great. I hope he worked things out with her.

The ex factor  in general is something I always advise against bringing up early on when dating someone new. I think many people, in an effort to not feel alone, jump right into dating. It isn’t fair to you or the person or persons you date because you did not allow yourself the necessary time to heal. Though some felt it extreme, I held off for a year after the end of my last because I knew it was more important for me to fix the relationship I had with myself than it was to find a relationship with someone else. Just a piece of advice, take your time.

Well, there you have it..10 Things Not to Say on a First Date. What was the worst or most insane thing someone has said to you on a first date?

33 Things I’ve Learned in 33 Years – A Look Back…

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I just celebrated my 33rd Birthday this past New Year’s Eve. Over the course of the month of December I took a moment or two to reflect back on all that I have learned through the years. The lessons were a big hit on Facebook, so I figured I would compile them for my first post of 2012. Enjoy. Life is meant to be lived.

 33 Things I’ve Learned in 33 Years…

There’s no greater love then a Parent’s. You’ll wonder often why they make the decisions they do…but its usually in your best interest. You realize as you grow as a person they are too and that no matter what, through whatever…they will always love you.

Friends will come and go and those relationships teach you…they shape you. You fight, you hurt, you smile and have the best times of your life. Friends come and go…but those memories last a lifetime.

The people who say they’ll never hurt you sometimes hurt you the most. The guy who says he’s not that guy sometimes ends up being that guy. Its taught me that actions really do speak louder than words.

It’s normal to want to impress someone you like, but there is a line. Never change who you are because you think it will improve your chances with someone you care about. Be yourself and always, because the right person will love the real you. Irrational hot mess, goofball, brilliant and successful..whatever the case or your mood on any given day.. the right person will find all of you, the real you… stimulating.

Mean people suck.

Confident doesn’t mean you have to be the center of attention all the time. Confidence is being able to step out of the spotlight and still stand your own…still have substance. Confidence in a woman, is one of the most sexy and alluring characteristics. Unfazed by her surroundings always knowing who’s within.

Everything in life is a lesson. Everything.

No one is normal.

The first step to moving forward in life, is to let go of the things that weigh you down.

The thrill isn’t in the chase. Let go of chasing what’s wrong and let what’s right find you.
Your past may be blemished, but your future is a blank slate…never deny yourself a second chance.

Resolutions are dumb. Waiting until the end of one year to decide you’re doing something differently the following is a long time to realize you’re doing some things wrong. Challenge yourself every day to be better, not just a week before New Years Eve.

People will hurt you but more often than not, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them, or who they are. Jay-Z said it best, “You gotta, get that, dirt off your shoulders

Often things we want in life are easier to attain than we believe.

It takes one tiny step to embark on something you’ve been holding back on..and the only thing stopping you is YOU.

You don’t have to eat everything on your plate.

The Golden Rule is a great one to live by. Reciprocity.

First dates are awkward.

When you’re young, boys look at your boobs mostly. When you get older they still do, but the right ones dig your brains as well.

Star Wars is WAY better than Star Trek

Nerds are sexy.

Success …really is a mind state.

Arrogance is the most unattractive quality in anyone.

God Listens.

The truth will always surface, no matter how hard you try to conceal it.

No matter how many times you ask, boys will never put the toilet seat down.

It’s okay to leave the house in sweats, it really is..just always have lipgloss.

Fashion can be your saving grace when you’re feeling down.

Can your worries in life and let the wind take you where it wants.

After your first kiss, …you realize boys are pretty awesome after all.

Life is a journey without guidelines, a map, or TIMELINE. It’s what you make of it and the only person’s expectations you should live up to are your own.

THE BEST THINGS REALLY DO COME TO THOSE who wait.

and my final and most valuable lesson..

Whatever you believe, whatever you dream..whatever you desire to do, do so with your whole heart. Never ever let go, never let anyone tell you can’t or won’t be able to do anything. All things are possible. There will be ups and downs but always stand tall, chin up and smile at the world..especially when it’s difficult. In my weakest moments I’ve shined the most. If ALL that I have had to endure in life is what lead me here…then I wouldn’t take a single second back.

 

Can I Get My Tab?

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Ambition and Disappointment

The summer was full of both but I did learn a few very valuable lessons. Evenings  in dresses thinking tonight’s gonna be the night and those little  Laws of Attraction (while very true) that send us into an irrational frenzy. We always want what we can’t have and I’ve been trying for years to understand this phenomenon.  Deep down inside I know exactly what I want in a relationship, what I want from a first date to the third and fourth, yet every once and a while I find what is seemingly a dud and consider them to be more. It’s a real problem. A lot of my nights start with high hopes and while most end well, others are a huge disappointment. For the life of me I can never understand why I’ve spent so much time pining and crushing over some, when ultimately I’m left scratching my head wondering, “what I was thinking?”

The Summer Crush of 2011

Since the summer, my friends have comically and aggressively banned me from the Oregon District because of my love interest in beards, bartenders and musicians. Was it their liqueur mixing, social, music or communication skills that did it?  I don’t really know but for a while there I found myself eyeing a few very unlikely suspects,  and I (like my friends) became worried. I think my “want” to meet someone had somehow clouded my judgment about what’s really good for me… what I deserve. There was one guy that for months, (I may have even mentioned in a column or two), I pined over ridiculously. When I finally got the opportunity, I was a little sick to my stomach afterwords frankly. That’s no exaggeration. Which brings me to my point.

Do Desperate Times Really Have to Call for Desperate Measures?

No. Why do we feel desperate when we’re single for a long time? I know that I personally started to think it would never happen for me, that I was being too picky and so the first guy to take notice to me in a long time was all of a sudden all I could think about. I had somehow forgotten the months of him ignoring me prior too.  Nothing anyone said to me, (all obvious and valid points) made any difference to me. The guy was a total flake, lacked personality and had low self- esteem but I thought he was dreamy based on a few conversations where we connected on a few topics.  At best, he was friend material but certainly not a candidate for between the sheets or long-term commitment.  I had more intense kisses in the 8th grade and better conversations with strangers in a checkout line.  For months I pined over nothing because I narrowed in on one opportunity instead of opening my eyes to a world of opportunity around me.

Never Settle. 

We all get lonely from time to time. Long-term singles like myself who want to really find someone go through a pattern of settling I think. You think, “sure why not” a lot more than usual. You look past things that ordinarily would annoy you. You end up going home with your “ultimate” crush thinking it’s gonna be a hot night finally when really you’d rather be home playing scrabble after 5 minutes alone with him. It happens. I’ve starting writing down what I really want in a relationship, in a “mate” and what exactly I don’t want. It’s a good reminder in times like this. If you’re looking for a good time and not a long time, sure try on a few duds for size but never forget what it is you really want, want will make you happy.  That experience really taught me a lot about myself (some good and some bad) but I did snap out of it and quickly.  It’s all a learning experience though and how, I believe, we get closer to finding exactly what it is we really want. You can’t put a time limit on it though and you can’t settle before you get there. That person we’re meant to be with is out there and when the time is right it will happen, and you won’t be playing scrabble. Until then, live a little. Be adventurous, not like wearing white after Labor Day but taking chances and have fun.

He could still have a beard, be bartender or a musician or anything for that matter. I wanted to add that point to avoid any unnecessary assumptions. It’s not what a person does or has that I’m looking for, it’s really all about who they are and whether or not we fit. A lot has changed since then. Most importantly, me.

I’d be lying if I said it stopped there. The summer was a riot. More next week.

But I am the Good Kind…

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There is something worse than losing everything, the feeling that you’ll never have it again. What is everything though?  It’s been a short while since last I wrote and while I know I’m getting closer to realizing who I truly am, I’m still just trying to figure things out. The world around us is changing and as such, I think women are evolving. Our goals have changed and who we are is more defined by our own perception of ourselves and not what those around us may think. Our circumstances affect us less and our strength at times seems limitless. At least for myself, this is the case.

Growing up I remember fantasizing about things I’m sure most young women do. I envisioned my life being “normal”, that I would get married and have a family and that I would do it all within a reasonable time frame. Never once really questioning what normal was and when a reasonable time frame was. I can recall a conversation with friends about a decade ago when I said, “I will never be that girl, 30 something and single, going on one disastrous date after the other.” No I would never be that girl. Well, here I am. That girl.

The irony of it all is that now, a decade later and after almost 3 years of being single I’ve found that being that girl has been a remarkable learning experience as well as fun. One of which I wouldn’t trade for that normal life in it’s normal time frame.  I’m comfortable with who I am even if it changes from day to day, which it does.  At times I do find it increasingly difficult to reconcile the past with my future, but each day I feel myself getting closer to the person I know I am meant to be, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the people the around me.

My life has been an adventure, happenings that are both audacious and poignant. Some of which at times have left me questioning everything, but never myself – and that is progress.  Toxic bachelors and nice guys I don’t want have all crossed my path. Horizontal nights and being okay with a good time (not a long time) have all helped me to reach what I believe is just the surface of this new self awareness.  There is no true story about sex, love and relationships and it means something different to everyone. There is no “normal.” What fits for you may not be normal and you have to be okay with that.

There was a time when all I wanted was to fit in, to be part of this “normal” that everyone was experiencing. I find myself less inspired by the draw of some imaginary elite social scene or the picture perfect life and more inspired by myself. When you start to be okay with who you are, you start to see that not everything is as it seems and those happy people around you are also sometimes struggling inside… struggling to be normal.  I’ve realized the first step to uncovering all of my dreams is listening. Not to the noise around me judging and trying to sway me in a certain direction, but to myself .. to my own desires..to my own passions. This direction is where I’ve found happiness. 

I’m okay with those indelible moments of my past because I realize we really have to go through life changing events to change for the better.  Fulfillment has many shades and what we learn on our way to it is that sometimes it’s not what you used to fantasize about. In fact, it may be something entirely different.

In hindsight, loss, pain and sadness are where the journey began. Something happens in despair. There’s a point where you look within and realize what happens next is entirely up to you. Love is truly something that is found in time … but the first place to find it is in your own heart. That is where your journey should lead you. Loving and accepting yourself.

At times it seems like I am the only female who feels the way I do about all of the above. I see women daily who wrap themselves up in a relationship so much so they’ve forgotten who they are and all those around them, it’s disturbing to watch. Would love to know that there are more singles out there who see things as I do. While I love to entertain my friends with my wild stories and make them blush with my outrageous antics, sometimes I wish I wasn’t so different.

I’m not the conventional woman. I will never be a Stepford Wife.  I will never live a cookie cutter life. I’m independent, strong and uncontrollably wild at times. I’m not looking to be swept off of my feet but odds are my sparkling wit and insatiable appetite for fun in life will sweep you off of yours. My life is far from normal and my future is open ended. I may not be the right kind, but I believe I am the good kind and eventually when the time is right someone will find me.

About those adventures from this past year, I plan on sharing them without a filter. Stay tuned.

 

Just Another Stream of Consciousness

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I have this friend (I really do) who’s always singing a song about being a “challenge” and how mystery is the key to seduction. I haven’t written in a while, did you expect I’d come back talking about anything else but my constant curiosity about what works and what does not in dating and relationships? Clearly, my confusion has ceased to dissipate but I’m more comfortable about where I am headed these days.

I have a schedule that allows me little time for fun even less time for dating. There is a level of participation to assure someone that you’re interested and I sometimes find myself unable to cater to that need.  Sometimes though,  I’ll meet a person that makes it easier or find that maybe they’re worth shifting my schedule around for because I really dig them.  I like when this happens because it reminds that though entirely jaded there’s part of me that truly wants to settle down one day, and do that whole monogamy thing again. Maybe. The more I date, the more I see myself becoming comfortable with bending the rules a bit and embracing change from my behavioral norms like making time. According to above friend though, showing too much interest may be the wrong approach. There’s nothing more confusing than the male mind but in the spirit of trying new things I took her advice.

Tactical Dating?

Eagerness may potentially frighten because women and men think and feel at an entirely different pace, have different triggers and convey emotions in two completely different ways. Too much, too soon has never worked for me though I watch these movies like “He’s Just Not that Into You” and read books where the last page is always a happy ending despite the female’s irrational behavior throughout. The reality is that nothing about dating is so black and white.  I’ve noticed when I playfully adapted “mystery” that I wasn’t alone in my eagerness. The level of interest is noticeably different when you’re a bit of a challenge to reach and I personally felt like the playing field was leveled. So you see, sometimes change is good but is it really an approach per say? I think it’s more of a tactic than anything.

There’s nothing wrong with testing new tactics from time to time. If the end result of anything does not equate to your own personal happiness then yes, something has to change. Which is why I decided to listen to a friend’s advice for once.  I look at a lot of relationships and it’s more than clear that some people are just afraid to be alone, maybe even me.  Which is why often we settle. I think saying, “I’m just trying to make it work” in the early stages of any relationship is never a good sign. In the beginning, it should be easy and fun. You should be just trying to keep your hands off of one another and trying to not be too distracted by thinking about each other so often. You make it work when you’re years in, maybe even married and maybe even have children. That is when the dynamic of the relationship changes and when things truly become harder, when it’s not just about you. I’ve been down the “making it work” path in dating. A path that is paved with unconscionable compromises and uncontrollable loss of one’s self.  A path I am not interested in traveling down again. Change your tactics without changing who you truly are. That is the trick.

Letting go of Labels.

I think realizing the level of control we actually have in terms of how things end up is largely how we eventually find exactly what we want.  For a bulk of my life, I’ve looked at the relationships around me and the relationships I’ve been in as being the only examples of  true happiness. We’re living in a different age, singles don’t need separate sections at restaurants like smokers and we’re not that uncommon. There’s no written rule about settling down by a certain age either, though at times our families, friends. our faith and even this society push “happiness” labels on us.  Happiness comes in all forms and though the dogs may bark, I’m finding less of a desire to satisfy the masses and more of a desire to satisfy myself however I want to and without any regret. After all, it’s my own happiness that matters most.

I used eagerness merely as an example of how we tend to pick ourselves apart and think, “what did I do wrong” when a relationship ends or someone we’re dating loses interest. Some things just aren’t meant to be and it’s really that simple. We are made up of layers, created over time by our experiences in life. Our pain, our joys our love and our loss of love all play a part in who we eventually become as a person. Yes, there is a great deal of games in dating. Is it mystery or being a challenge that does it? Is it eagerness and making time? No. I believe it’s just being you. The right person will come along and like you exactly the way you are.  New tactics and thinking differently is important for self awareness and growth, but never forget or change who you are for anyone. That I am certain, is the wrong approach. If asked by anyone what does it, my answer is now confidence.

Be you, whether it’s extraordinary one day and irrational another, just be you and make no apology.

Metrosexuals, Hipsters and Missionary Dating – Two Weeks of Dating Adventures!

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You read right.  Though in abundance and for some reason attracted to me, I find myself a little less than enthused about the options of late. Is it the time we live in that have changed men and is what I want even in existence anymore?

Where do I begin this week?

The Metrosexual.

Could I date a diva? In the last year, I’ve met a few guys that are well kept..love shopping…the arts…and enjoy discussing fine cuisine and wine tasting with me. I’ve thought how great to find someone who enjoys the same things as me, how easier could it get?  Then it dawned on me that I have enough gal pals. Coming from the east coast, I’ve been exposed to a breed of man with nicely kept eyebrows and jeans that cost more than most things in my wardrobe.  I’ve grown accustomed to the fact that they exist but I don’t want one on my arm. In previous articles I’d mentioned my tendency to type cast and focus too much on what the ideal guy for me would be, but I think just wanting a “manly” type man isn’t  too much to ask for is it? I’m not quite sure why I attract this breed … but I’m not entirely sure why I attract a lot of what I do.  I couldn’t date a diva this much I know. If someone spends more time in the bathroom getting ready than I, well it’s doomed to fail and I envision cat fights and hurt feelings.  Like I said I have enough gal pals so I am not sure this would really be my thing. Also, if you’re confused about you sexuality and not just a well groomed metrosexual I am not the gal to help you figure that out. Point blank. There’s a fine line between asking  to borrow a pair of heels and asking to put them over your shoulders. (Sorry, Mom if  you’re reading this)..frankly, I think I am still in search of that lumberjack with a beard.

Hipster Dating.

“I date cops and you date hipsters with diagonal parts” a friend uttered to me recently as being the reason why I have no success in dating.  I have a tendency to really be drawn to those I share common interests with, but does that make me a hipster? I’m loud and out there a true extrovert yet I at times attract these awkward socially inept quiet types. Granted they have great taste in music which makes me think, so what if he’s an introvert it could work. I am learning the hard way that no it really can’t. I can’t date a guy who looks better in skinny jeans than I and I’m too much of a social butterfly to really be hanging out at home. So my friend is probably right in her own way. Though I am totally against type casting in dating I still tend to do it. I’m convinced that sometimes common interests don’t really equate to a soul mate, moreso just another few hipster boy besties. Which I can deal with. In fact, it seems in two years of dating I have acquired a great deal of awesome guy friends. No loss there. Some of the best beards I’ve seen though, I will give them that.

Missionary Dating.

The last and final interesting to happen last week was the end of something before it even began because of my spirituality. This was a first for me. I’m pretty public with my bible hugging ways and though some may be offended or turned off by that, it’s not something I’d ever keep silent or pretend not to be.  I’ve never really thought about religion being a serious factor to consider when dating until recently.  I think at this stage of my life I’d have to really be connected with someone on all levels. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I don’t feel it’s out of the ordinary either, to think this way. I had been talking to someone who I saw potential with, character wise. There were a few things however that left me uncomfortable about the situation. Primarily the distance between us and the length of travel it would entail to see one another. Have I mentioned I am not a fan of long distance relationships? I think so.  Since I am a big advocate of being open and honest, I decided to take my own advice this time and be truthful about why I didn’t think it would work.  After mentioning several factors, the last thing that I mentioned in my little “its not you its me” speech was that I really felt it necessary that spiritually I connect with someone because in the future, if there were a future it would matter. If I were on the other end of this conversation I’d have a great deal of respect for such honesty. It didn’t go as I had planned which made me feel confident about my decision to not move forward and pursue dating. While one thing was said to me privately about my reservations being understood, good old Facebook told a different story when this person posted a Facebook status basically attacking my faith and accusing me of being judgmental. Now I’m Judge Judy, whatever.

It’s all good.

In the midst of all this however, I did realize one thing. Being single is really a joyous adventure in self awareness. Everyday I learn something new about myself that just makes me feel better about the future. You have to really get out there and meet all kinds when you’re dating to really understand what it is you want. So what if I still have no damn clue, eventually something will stick. I see a lot of people who are so focused on finding someone that they start to lose themselves in the search. It isn’t healthy and finding someone should be more of a benefit to life rather than a need.

So, I say focus on what’s good and what’s happening right now rather than worry about whether or not you’ll ever meet Mr. or Mrs. Right. For me, there’s been some great “Mr. In the Moments” that have made it interesting and entertaining enough to hold me over. I know I’m closer then ever.

Hurt So Good.

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It’s been over a week since I’ve written anything and it’s for no other reason then that finding the words has been difficult. Last week should have been a celebration of my successes over the last five years of living in Ohio; it should have been time for me to reflect on how far I have come and all the great people around me that have helped me through this transition. Instead of celebrating though, inside I was hurting and haunted. Though it may appear easy for me to open up and share my feelings and life happenings, it’s the farthest thing from being simple to do. Each week I really think about how what I write will affect my life and the lives of others. My mother used to say, “that mouth is going to get you trouble.” I must enjoy being in the hot seat.

Time Wasted or Lesson Learned?

For months I held on to the possibility of something happening with one of the first people to ever really trigger romantic interest in a long time. We find ourselves (well some of us do) after the break of a long term relationship having difficulty opening up and letting new people in. It’s only natural to be scared but I’ve started to think that this fear doesn’t allow us to really see clearly the things in front of us..the very obvious things. While those around me had told me time and time again to move on because this person not only had no interest but showed a complete disregard for my feelings so many times – pulling a few cards like the “I need time” and the “friend card.”  It’s as if I totally didn’t pay attention to too many times of being told “I’m sorry”, leaving me feeling sympathetic about some shyness or feelings of insecurity that really never existed… it was just a way to blanket nothing more than a lack of interest. If a person is sorry that much about the same redundant behavior, they’re not sorry. What was really happening was a person too cowardly just to say, “I’m not into you.”  Which would have been fine and perhaps a friendship could have even remained, but I think I’m done with second chances. It seems like no big deal really, right? Unfortunately it is. It hurt. When you find a comfort zone again after going through tough times, that allows you to open up and share personal things with someone again, actually talk and they treat you like that it doesn’t help. In some respect it hinders the overall healing process.  I see this all the time happening to close friends and yet when it happens to me it’s as if I’m completely blind to it.  If you’re reading this and thinking, someone could be leading you on or you’re doing it to someone, stop.  Be an adult and remember to treat people the way you’d expect or want to be treated. I thought I was passed dealing with nonsense like this but it’s good to know I’m still held captive by my naive thinking. The hopeless romantic isn’t dead she just sometimes needs a wake up call and a reminder that sometimes it’s better to focus on being the rule rather than the exception. Lesson learned.

In Retrospect.

For all the complaining I do in my columns, the rants about dating and the men I’ve met who just turn into creeps I think I’ve come to realize that perhaps it’s partly my fault. In thinking back, I’ve started to look at each of them and I’ve realized none were really anything I could actually see myself with. Which brought up an interesting point. They were a challenge and not the right fit at all, they were unattainable. Have I been focused on the unattainable in an effort to push away those who were attainable? Not that an army of bachelors is banging down my door but I’ve met some pretty awesome dudes, that I’ve totally blown off. Why? I’m not sure what revelation this is at this point, but I’ve concluded that because of past relationships and shit like the coward I just dealt with I have no faith in the attainable. While I know there is potential and that I could meet someone great, part of me doesn’t care to really have that. It would mean becoming vulnerable again something at this stage I’m still not ready to do.  So apparently, I am steal healing and there’s more on this journey to finding myself that I guess I need to do.  There is part of me that really still believes “the one” from a time long ago, was the only one. My head is sometimes a jukebox of the songs about us on constant replay and I hate it. Life and love would be a helluva lot easier if I could just forget. Most days I do, but others seem to be a struggle.

Where to Go, What to Do?

While I know there was a greater reasoning for my moving to Ohio, there are times when it’s still painful to be here. To think about what was and what could of been compared to what there is now. I try to find happiness in the little things and tell myself that one day it will really all make sense but there are moments when it’s the memories that are so abysmal it would be easier to just start somewhere new again. Run. While celebrating a silly five year anniversary in Ohio, inside I was really dwelling on the relationship that lead me here ending coincidentally around the same time it started. I don’t know why it’s so hard to let go of painful memories but it a nutshell I know that for you to leave a happy and fulfilling life, it’s really necessary to let go and do so entirely. If you’re dealing with something similar or just in general finding yourself down you have to know and believe that things really do turn around. I could dwell on every little thing that’s happened since, including what I roped myself into over the last few months but one thing I’ve learned is that what happens doesn’t change you. That no matter what you get over it and while hurt will remain you still have to move forward.

A Smile Returns.

I’ve been throwing parties since I moved here for silly reasons. I thought it made perfect sense to have a Pub Crawl downtown to celebrate 5 years in Ohio. It ended up being a great idea and for one reason alone.  This past Saturday night I was surrounded by friends. Real friends, who not only helped me to move forward but have helped me to move inward, to find my happiness and to believe in myself. We all have friends that come and go out of our lives and one’s we keep in touch with that were not as close with as we once were but I know in my heart, that these people will forever be people whom I can count on. While sitting around and watching them talk I realized what it means to have people who genuinely care and that is all that really matters in life. At the end of the day, it’s not what but who you have that reflects not only the life you live but the way in which you live it. Out of darkness, I’ve found a family here one that I cherish. That’s what has made the difference and why I am so able to bounce back from all of life’s happening since.

It Is What it Is.

Famous last words. It’s no secret I’m a bit jaded and unattainable myself. There’s mystery to uncover and they tell me the right person will crack the puzzle. Whoever this guy is he has his work cut out for him. One thing to never forget, be yourself at all costs because when you’re through those who are still standing by your side, those who still adore you, those who are always there .. are the ones that truly care. There’s no reason to blanket the crazy and frankly I find being normal rather plain and boring. Let the losers drop off and focus on what’s really important in life, the people around you that really do care.

Trimming the Fat – “Lean Dating”

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Conversations with friends this week seemed to be all about when to cut your losses and walk away in dating. Determining a toad from a prince. It’s become a apparent however that a loss cause is not so obvious in matters of the heart. The signs are all there but instead of realizing a situation for what it is we make excuses to justify the road to nowhere we’re traveling down. A long list of common excuses or guy types which I will address in a few seem to be more common then I had thought. Earlier this week, I made a decision to eliminate my gaggle. A concept I learned about earlier this year which essentially just describes a group of men in your life who you “sort of” connect with but get no where with. They’re a good distraction while you sort out your wants but in my opinion at some point you have to walk away.

A Pack of Nothing.

Over the past couple of years I have cultivated a group of men who seemingly would be great dating prospects but for whatever reason I or they never pulled the trigger. The men in my gaggle are ones which I can talk to about everything, that are generally really good guys, have taken me out from time to time and feed my ego with flirting and really just boost my confidence overall. So what’s the problem, right? Well I started to think about two factors which I hadn’t realized. One factor being that with a great amount of testosterone goodness in my life, the search for something a little more meaningful wasn’t such a priority. All of my needs were being met so why would I take dating seriously? Don’t let your imagination run wild on the needs thing, emotionally I was covered..but only “sort of.”  They were nothing more than a distraction hindering me from finding the real thing.  The other factor is that a lot these guys were typically using me as well as some sort of crutch too. So in my eyes, it was mutually beneficial to call it quits. I’m the “IT” girl and not the in the meantime type of gal. I know and believe this.

If you don’t think you have a gaggle, perhaps this next part will make you rethink this select group of men in your life.  Here is where I discuss the excuses. A lot of my females friends seem to be going through the same thing right now and it’s odd but we all generally make the same excuses about why we decide to linger and hold on to something that really isn’t going anywhere.

Do You Know This Guy?


I Still Want You in My Life – This is the guy you broke up with ages ago that you still remain friends with.  A part of you secretly feels as though somewhere along the line the universe will land you both back together. That the love you had with this guy is strong enough to bring you back together at some point. You talk often. He complains about his new love interest and you complain about how you just can’t seem to find someone new. It’s going no where and it’s unhealthy. Pull the plug.

Digital Dice Clay. – Hopefully he’s not as dirty as Andrew Dice Clay, but you know this guy. The one who always has something a bit risque to say about you or your derriere. He makes you blush and you like it. You know nothing will ever happen with this guy but you look forward to his texts, dms and emails. He puts you in a good mood, but never really seals the deal. This guy is a permanent tease, nothing more. He talks a big game but really you need to send him out to pasture.  There’s a huge different between attention and affection.

Mr. Unavailable – He’s been in many bad relationships and just hasn’t seem to get passed them.  He likes you and it’s obvious but for whatever reason nothing ever happens. You hold to Mr. Unavailable because it makes you feel good about yourself that you can eventually swoon him. He’s like a prize of some sort but the reality is you’re wasting valuable time pining over someone who is just not that into you. Don’t get me wrong, we never know what the future holds but if you’re putting your life on hold for this guy you may find yourself with a lot of valuable time lost. You know you’re a looker, a real find and he does too..it’s all in the way he looks at you but looking is all he does. He’s on the outside looking in and you’ve tried inviting him in. It hasn’t it happened. There’s a good chance it won’t.

I Don’t Want to Ruin the Friendship. – This guy is my favorite.  He’s the guy that has something to say about every guy you date. He thinks you’re better than those guys, that they aren’t on your level. In short, he thinks you’re awesome..he’s even said, “I wish I could find a girl like you.”  Good luck, there’s no one like me. This is what you should say as you shut him out of your life. This may be one the most unhealthy situations I could address, because as erroneous expectations goes this guy will have you on a roller coaster. You’ll be analyzing his every word. Thinking he feels more than he really does and in actuality you’re just his friend. For now anyway..again it could change but why wait?

Hot and Dry. – The guy you like horizontally but doesn’t fit anywhere else in your life.  Yeah, I said it.  Everyone meets someone they just can’t resist. We’re human. This guy is fun, he’s all about living life spontaneously and not being tied down to anything. He as the ability to make you forget that ultimately you really do want to settle down. This guy is not going to settle down and if he does, he’s not going to do so with the girl that has been readily available for months on end. The dynamic of your relationship doesn’t extend further than between the sheets. You’re not a challenge and men tend to be all about the hunt. Though it could happen, I’ve yet to see it. I’m not telling you not to enjoy it though but in my experience these situations tend include one person who feels more than the other, usually it’s us..the ones who act on emotion not well you know. This guy won’t think twice about leaving you hot and dry if it isn’t convenient for him, make no mistake.

The Good Guy. – This man is always there for you. You’ve dumped all over him, lead him on and have generally just been all that you complain about when it comes to men and how they treat you to this guy. You’re a total douche and he stays. He’s pretty much the ideal guy but you’re just not that into him. Now, I’ve thought about this one for a really long time and wondered what it is that keeps me or a gal from wanting more with a guy like this. Well, it’s simple. We women like that hunt as well and this situation is just to easy. We know at any given moment with one look this guy will be in the palm of our hands. Easy street isn’t so hot.

These Guys are the Gaggle. ( Not a pack of wolves, not anyone you really want)

What DO You Want?

Well isn’t that the real question? What the hell do we want? If you take a look at the men in your life you’re bound to find a few with the right things you’re looking for. For me, I want a little of all of the above, cocktail if you will. Just the right mixture to keep you on your toes and wanting more, but for the right reasons. He’d be accessorized with a beard, somewhat tech elite and passionate about music , if I had my way as well. Here’s the thing about dating, you really have to have a clear mind and heart to actually see something good when it is in front of you. Wasting your time making excuses about the guys in your life now  is really just a waste of time, deep down you know it. Perhaps you’re not really ready to date and the distractions right now are good, which is fine but have an expiration date on distractions before you find yourself in the face of some really great missed opportunities.  If you really find one of these guys and feel in your heart it could develop into something more, give it a shot. However, if you find yourself making the same excuses over and over and nothing really seems to change…that is a sign to move on.

I always say, “It’s easy to get me on the hook. It’s an entirely different thing to reel me in.”

Think about what you want and deserve. Focus on that.

Check Your Baggage at the Door

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If I had to sit down and intentionally write a screen play about life and love, I’d probably find great difficulty doing so. However, if I refer back to my own hot mess of dating life the material is endless. I should feel blessed that the events of my life have become so comical and entertaining, that they are fueling creativity. Part of me is ecstatic but part of me yearns for normalcy to return if I ever had any at all. This week my thoughts are that people in general carry over way too much baggage from past relationships into their existing or new ones. This may be the only time in life when losing your luggage would be golden. Let’s examine this shall we?

Caught in the Act.

I’ve been cheated on numerous times. I think most of us have either been cheated on or experience a time when questionable behavior lead us to the belief that we were being cheated on. It happens. That should be the attitude though, “it happens.” In conversation lately, I’ve learned that many people refuse to believe in the possibility of the blank slate factor. The factor that allows you to look at every new scenario as a fresh start. Unfortunately, we tend as scorned and burned individuals to immediately punish the new for what the old has done to us. One word. Sabotage. If you’re going into something with the idea that it will fail, it will indeed fail. The thing about me is that I don’t really care what your ex did to you. I don’t want to hear about how they’ve hurt you and I don’t want to hear that they’ve damaged you. Why? Because at the point you’ve reached me the only way I would entertain you is if I knew you were two words. Over it. This may seem abrupt, but the fact of the matter is that if anyone has had to deal with terrible things happening in relationships it is I. I should be the first person to shut down and put up walls but I don’t. Call it lacking in sympathy, call it what you want but it’s really acceptance and knowing that the past doesn’t have to rule my future and it shouldn’t yours.

Partially Broken Up.

It’s not stalking when a person is still living with you after the end of a relationship. You’re not broken up if you’re still communicating daily and hanging out. You’re not fully over a breakup if you’re still talking about the relationship and well, the breakup.  I like to refer to this as being “partially broken up.”  You’re still emotionally attached and in some cases there are those of us who like to live on the edge and remain physically attached. I can’t tell you how healthy that is.  When you’re getting to know some one new, please take past relationships and current drama off of the table of conversation. In fact, you shouldn’t even be having those conversations until you’re fully out of that other relationship. ENTIRELY. The new person has given you time and consideration, thinking of you as a potential dating prospect why burden them with the anti climatic soap opera state your life is currently in? Do you think people find that alluring because I have to tell you I’d rather discuss the dynamics of the periodic table and the chemical elements of each compound than discuss your crazy ex and why your relationship ended (sorta).

Ego Boosts and Comfort Seeking

What I have found is that there are a lot of “sorta” singles on dating sites or people in general scrounging for comfort on the internet. They are either in a bad relationship nearing it’s final countdown, in one and bored, or fresh out of one looking to jump into the arms of another. If I had only one wish, it would be that these people focus more on dealing with the issues at hand in their lives rather than seeking out innocent by standers to be there comfort through the storm. Part of being ready for a healthy relationship is having a healthy state of mind and not being bogged down by drama in an existing or recently ended relationship. Instead of seeking out someone new to jump in your bed, see a therapist. Abrupt again, but truth is truth. You need to work on you and allow ample healing time before you can even consider dating again. Otherwise, the things that happened to end past relationships, those patterns and behaviors have a really good chance of resurfacing. I’ve spent the last two years single. Both entertaining and difficult at times, I still consider myself being ready for something right, not something to pass the time. Pass the time being the underlining theme of this passage.  If you want a distraction you shouldn’t be on a dating site with a profile header that reads “Looking for someone to spend my life with.” Get a pet or something until you’re really ready for that.

Clean up your Act.

As the days go by, I’ve hardened my outlook a bit. There is very little I will succumb (charming, swooning etc.) to because I’ve lived it all and this kind of thing isn’t enticing enough to cover up the red flags. All of the above paragraphs, I’ve done. We’re human but if you’re reading this thinking that you exhibit any of what is mentioned I can only suggest that you rethink what you’re doing and who you are potentially hurting. It’s not just the new potential dating prospects. It’s yourself. You’re only prolonging happiness. Getting over an ended relationship is a tough battle at times. There are those that we walk away from thinking good riddance and those which we walk away from feeling as though we are forever changed. I have experienced both. Love doesn’t come along only once in a lifetime though and what surfaces in our lives is entirely up to us, how we project ourselves and how we approach life afterwords. I might be the only person that does not believe in some karmic force that rules our dating lives but that doesn’t mean you have a right to crease someone else’s otherwise happy life with your baggage. Going in, be real because you may inadvertently miss a chance on something great, on someone right because you’re too busy thinking about your past or still living in it.  That’s the only advice I can give.

PS. If you’re dating profile headline reads “Ready for Life” or anything of the sort, do yourself a favor and truly be ready.

That is all. Till next week.

Pattern Dating, Sexting and Great Shoes | The Correlation

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In the last couple of weeks a few seemingly unrelated yet similar incidents occurred. We’ll start with this. “Just because he’s into all of the same nerdy shit as you doesn’t mean he’s your soul mate.” Powerful little tidbit muttered by a close friend this week who also pattern dates might I mention. I admit, I have a tendency to pattern date and be very selective. I have an ideal mental image of the person I’d like to see myself  with and so when that surfaces I tend to over think everything and find myself pining over inevitably what turns out to be a lost a cause, still a learning experience none the less.  I am not sure if any other women or men do this, but I tend to typecast who I date and if you don’t fit that mold you haven’t a chance in hell. Am I sabotaging potential relationships by this picky behavior, probably so but like everything else in my life the details matter. For me anyway.

Opposites Attract? Shit.

Earlier this week it was pointed out to me that the phrase “Opposites Attract” has real meaning to it. My question is what exactly is that meaning because I’ve not come across a shirt and tie that I could see myself with; this would be exact opposite of me a bro, a jock, a yuppy or whatever, you know the type.  Is it the past that has scorned me (dated a few) or do I really just prefer the t-shirt and jeans type of guy? I prefer the t-shirt and jeans type of guy. A common thing I always hear among my circle of gal pals (blind leading the blind by the way) is that I need a man who knows what he wants and apparently they only come in shirt and tie fashion. This can’t be true?  The evidence to prove otherwise may be lacking and that is the problem.  I don’t think I’ve ever once been attracted to an opposite, whatever an opposite is.  So these guys on dating sites that have screen names which reflect their favorite sport teams, wearing it  as some badge of honor, are not my guy.  Yet the search results lead them to me. How unfortunate. I’m pretty forthright with what I want and who I am and I’m continuously attracting not anything remotely close to what I’d envision myself with.  Opposites are attracted to me and I not them. This presents a dilemma, one I am realizing has become more of an annoyance than anything else and certainly not flattering.  As a professional who’s pretty successful does this put me in some category where shirt and tie is my only option? There’s a whole other fun side of me that certainly hopes not. I’m at a roadblock and thinking that perhaps I need to try on something new, perhaps an investment banker or doctor and see where that goes but really I think it would awkward and forced. The rich, the doting, I find it dull and not my thing. I don’t want the male version of me but do opposites really have to attract?

Dirty Starts Go Nowhere.

What did you say? I find myself thinking this all the damn time lately. Creepy and lame pickup lines have now been replaced with digital dirtiness, fabulous.  Mobile devices apparently have given guys a right of passage to unsolicited and random premature dirty talk. I’m well aware that I have a great rack thank you for noticing please don’t comment further when I’ve never even met you, thanks.  I guess I’m just not that starved for attention that I find this behavior flattering. This is why I tend to go with the shy guy because either they have great manners or they’re just too scared to say such things. I’m glad that some men have enough confidence to say whatever their big head or little head triggers them saying so but trust me when I tell you that unless you’re some heart throb it’s just gross and unnecessary. I attract a lot of this.  Again with the opposites.  Shit.  Between Facebook pokes, Skype requests, unsolicited sexts and random inappropriate wall posts I find myself feeling like I’m surrounded by a pack of horny wolves who’ve forgotten the art of conversation. Is this really dating in 2011? What happened to slow paced getting to know you kind of stuff? The city is in heat and it needs to cool down a bit. Am I the only person out there who doesn’t budge for boob compliments? Those who do this are opposite of me and my character. Opposites don’t attract.

A Stunner in Heels.

And Chanel might I add.  As I re-enter the world of being a skinny bitch, I find myself more confident. With that comes new digs and lip gloss called Sugar Shag. I have to admit there isn’t a doubt in my mind that confidence attracts but again, what exactly? I wonder sometimes if the things said to me while I am out or the way in which I’m approached actually works on other women. My friends tell me I have a tendency to be wound up to tight and blow too many people off.  Perhaps I do, but again that mental image of what I want has only surfaced twice in the last 2 years and while neither worked out I’m still thinking my guy will fit that image, personality and gentleman like persona.   It’s all pretty confusing.  I admit that this weekend I got all dolled up (first time in a while) and it was really just for one person. To him, however I was invisible but to several others that was not the case.  Bummed about that I was pissy all night and I don’t really recall how many exactly I gave the cold shoulder to afterwards but there were a few.  Which brings me back to the theme in this stream of consciousness, is that mental image of perfection for me hindering me from meeting someone well, different?  Is Mr. Right really Mr. Opposite? Why is different so uncomfortable for me? I’ve thought about this for a few days and the only real thing I can determine is that different sometimes tries to change you. I don’t want to be changed. I like being simple, having fun, enjoying time with friends and not feeling pressured to be something I am not..something more like my opposite.  Gentleman wanted.

Curveball.

No one around me is really breaking the pattern yet they’re advising me to think outside of the beard box for a little while and get a taste of the opposite life. I’m not entirely sure that I am ready to give it a go but it’s certainly something I am analyzing, obviously. Last night I ran into a reader and invited him to sit and chat with my friends. He said he’d rather read about my dating debacles in my column. We were only discussing what I was going to write about this week for a short while but his statement got me thinking.  All of this being single and dating talk really doesn’t do anything to help myself or my friends. I’d bet money that most guys I meet also fear they’d become a topic for my column. If you’re a douche your behavior may be mentioned but no names are ever dropped.  If you’re that worried about it I’d suggest rethinking that behavior and lessoning the level of column worthy content then before asking me out.  So, back to the curveball. I guess I really have no objection to trying something different or changing my approach because obviously my mental perfect image has yet to surface and pine out.  The funny thing, some of the greatest guys I know who are my good friends are exact opposite of me and we get along great. So perhaps, there is something to it. I plan on doing some investigative research and will probably have a future column on this supposed “Opposites Attract” theory.

The juxtaposition of this column is at best a way for me to sort out my own chaos but as always I hope it triggers some provoking thoughts for my readers. If you exhibit pattern dating behavior, I’d love to hear from you and if you’ve stopped the cycle.