If I had to sit down and intentionally write a screen play about life and love, I’d probably find great difficulty doing so. However, if I refer back to my own hot mess of dating life the material is endless. I should feel blessed that the events of my life have become so comical and entertaining, that they are fueling creativity. Part of me is ecstatic but part of me yearns for normalcy to return if I ever had any at all. This week my thoughts are that people in general carry over way too much baggage from past relationships into their existing or new ones. This may be the only time in life when losing your luggage would be golden. Let’s examine this shall we?
I’ve been cheated on numerous times. I think most of us have either been cheated on or experience a time when questionable behavior lead us to the belief that we were being cheated on. It happens. That should be the attitude though, “it happens.” In conversation lately, I’ve learned that many people refuse to believe in the possibility of the blank slate factor. The factor that allows you to look at every new scenario as a fresh start. Unfortunately, we tend as scorned and burned individuals to immediately punish the new for what the old has done to us. One word. Sabotage. If you’re going into something with the idea that it will fail, it will indeed fail. The thing about me is that I don’t really care what your ex did to you. I don’t want to hear about how they’ve hurt you and I don’t want to hear that they’ve damaged you. Why? Because at the point you’ve reached me the only way I would entertain you is if I knew you were two words. Over it. This may seem abrupt, but the fact of the matter is that if anyone has had to deal with terrible things happening in relationships it is I. I should be the first person to shut down and put up walls but I don’t. Call it lacking in sympathy, call it what you want but it’s really acceptance and knowing that the past doesn’t have to rule my future and it shouldn’t yours.
It’s not stalking when a person is still living with you after the end of a relationship. You’re not broken up if you’re still communicating daily and hanging out. You’re not fully over a breakup if you’re still talking about the relationship and well, the breakup. I like to refer to this as being “partially broken up.” You’re still emotionally attached and in some cases there are those of us who like to live on the edge and remain physically attached. I can’t tell you how healthy that is. When you’re getting to know some one new, please take past relationships and current drama off of the table of conversation. In fact, you shouldn’t even be having those conversations until you’re fully out of that other relationship. ENTIRELY. The new person has given you time and consideration, thinking of you as a potential dating prospect why burden them with the anti climatic soap opera state your life is currently in? Do you think people find that alluring because I have to tell you I’d rather discuss the dynamics of the periodic table and the chemical elements of each compound than discuss your crazy ex and why your relationship ended (sorta).
What I have found is that there are a lot of “sorta” singles on dating sites or people in general scrounging for comfort on the internet. They are either in a bad relationship nearing it’s final countdown, in one and bored, or fresh out of one looking to jump into the arms of another. If I had only one wish, it would be that these people focus more on dealing with the issues at hand in their lives rather than seeking out innocent by standers to be there comfort through the storm. Part of being ready for a healthy relationship is having a healthy state of mind and not being bogged down by drama in an existing or recently ended relationship. Instead of seeking out someone new to jump in your bed, see a therapist. Abrupt again, but truth is truth. You need to work on you and allow ample healing time before you can even consider dating again. Otherwise, the things that happened to end past relationships, those patterns and behaviors have a really good chance of resurfacing. I’ve spent the last two years single. Both entertaining and difficult at times, I still consider myself being ready for something right, not something to pass the time. Pass the time being the underlining theme of this passage. If you want a distraction you shouldn’t be on a dating site with a profile header that reads “Looking for someone to spend my life with.” Get a pet or something until you’re really ready for that.
As the days go by, I’ve hardened my outlook a bit. There is very little I will succumb (charming, swooning etc.) to because I’ve lived it all and this kind of thing isn’t enticing enough to cover up the red flags. All of the above paragraphs, I’ve done. We’re human but if you’re reading this thinking that you exhibit any of what is mentioned I can only suggest that you rethink what you’re doing and who you are potentially hurting. It’s not just the new potential dating prospects. It’s yourself. You’re only prolonging happiness. Getting over an ended relationship is a tough battle at times. There are those that we walk away from thinking good riddance and those which we walk away from feeling as though we are forever changed. I have experienced both. Love doesn’t come along only once in a lifetime though and what surfaces in our lives is entirely up to us, how we project ourselves and how we approach life afterwords. I might be the only person that does not believe in some karmic force that rules our dating lives but that doesn’t mean you have a right to crease someone else’s otherwise happy life with your baggage. Going in, be real because you may inadvertently miss a chance on something great, on someone right because you’re too busy thinking about your past or still living in it. That’s the only advice I can give.
PS. If you’re dating profile headline reads “Ready for Life” or anything of the sort, do yourself a favor and truly be ready.
That is all. Till next week.