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Top Ten Lessons I Learned The Hard Way

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There Is No Learning Curve In Life

  1. Don’t laugh when a woman asks you if you have ever thought about marrying them.
  2. Don’t eat any food that the aforementioned woman might serve to you if in fact you did laugh.
  3. Even though it is sometimes referred to as the “Muscle Of Love,” Ben-Gay should never be used on it.
  4. Never assume that your friend turned off the correct breaker before you start working on the electric.
  5. You will always hear the click of the lock at the exact moment you realize that your keys are still inside.
  6. All fat people are not jolly.
  7. Zippers are not forgiving…they play for keeps.
  8. If an African-American man is using the urinal next to you, don’t say, “So! It’s not true what they say about you guys!” He will not find it amusing at all.
  9. Don’t assume that a woman holding an iron skillet just wants to cook you something.
  10. Never ask a random stranger on the street, “Hey! Do you know where I can cash a winning lottery ticket at?”

Top Ten Reasons Why I Am Not Working

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I Will Tell You Why I Procrastinate…Later 

  1. The Conan/Leno debacle has me all verklempt. At least Conan got custody of Andy Richter, so I can sleep a little better tonight.
  2. While doing research for an article, I accidentally misspelled Hadron Collider on Google Search and now my computer inundated with pop ups for gay porn.
  3. After the aforementioned disaster, I have also inadvertently found a new meaning for “teabaggers,” which has not allowed me to stop simultaneously vomiting and laughing at the same time.
  4. While cleaning up the vomit, I noticed a rust stain in the sink, which I scrubbed out using an SOS pad. Not wanting to waste a whole pad on such a small job, I looked for something else to clean. Three and a half hours later, the oven is clean, the windows are washed, the kitchen floor is swept and mopped and for reasons I don’t feel I need to explain, I shaved the cat.
  5. A really attractive Jehovah’s Witness knocked at the door and it became a battle of wills as to which one of us would convert who.
  6. I had to sob on the couch for some time, realizing that I am older and extremely off my game and have now been corralled into passing out Watchtowers.
  7. I noticed that it was around noon, which meant that I only had two hours before I had to leave to pick up my kids, and anyone knows that is not enough time to actually get anything done, so why start something that you’re not going to finish.
  8. I notice that the cat was cold after being shaved and decided to cut five holes in a sweat sock for her to wear as a coat. Making the coat took no time at all, but cats are pointy at four of their five ends and don’t take kindly to being shoved inside a sweat sock.
  9. I had to rest after the above-mentioned ordeals, so I sat down and contemplated how I was going to meet my publisher’s deadlines. I came to the conclusion that all I needed to do was outsource the work, but since I don’t know anyone inBangladesh, I had to settle for a local crackhead.
  10. The crackhead said that he needed ten bucks for supplies, so I’m just waiting for him to get back and then we’ll be on a roll! He should be back any minute now…anytime now…

Top Ten Things I Love About Summer

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Some Like It Hot

  1. I can go to any pool or beach and see women wearing what are essentially bra and panties without the inconvenience of standing in the bushes outside their window.
  2. My melanoma is hungry after its winter hibernation.
  3. I absolutely love putting on SPF 5000 sunscreen all over my body, some zinc oxide on my nose and making sure that my hat creates a five foot circumference swath of shade around me so that I can go outside to enjoy the sun.
  4. I’ve never lost the tips of my toes to “heatbite”.
  5. Women + Thin T-Shirts + Air Conditioning = Eye Popping Event.
  6. You can urinate in the woods without the fear of shrinkage, frostbite, hungry squirrels seeking “nuts” or the potentially life threatening mistake of getting “it” frozen to a metal fence post.
  7. There is no better experience than hitting a swarm of cicadas on a motorcycle at 60 mph.
  8. It’s great to be able to turn the air conditioning on, lowering the temperature of the house to the same level that you were freezing at during the winter.
  9. Watching a bleach blonde’s hair turn green after she’s been in the pool for a while.
  10. Finding out exactly how hot the change in your car is after roasting in the car all day. I still have the imprint of a 1978 quarter on my hand. I felt just like the German guy in the first Indiana Jones movie.

Top Ten Things I Want To Do Before I Die

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Better Start To Work On This List Now

  1. Hopefully find a cure for what’s going to kill me.
  2. If it is a malignant type of illness, like a brain tumor, I’ll purchase a large tow truck with push bars on the front and teach retroactive driver’s education to those moronic motorists who so desperately need it.
  3. With my last breath, I hope I have the presence of mind to call my family close to me and whisper, “I’ve been stashing money in the house. There’s about $80,000 in the…aaaggghh!” and then die. It will be hilarious to look on from the afterlife as they destroy the house searching for it.
  4. A three-way with Jessica Alba and Jessica Tandy. Yes, I know Jessica Tandy is dead.
  5. I want to have an animatronics alien surgically implanted into my chest that monitors my heartbeat. When my heartbeat stops, a countdown clock will begin that will send the alien bursting through my chest, hopefully during my viewing.
  6. I want to rack up $100,000 in credit card debt so that I have something to leave to my kids.
  7. To bitch slap the creators of the Lifetime network for forcing me to suffer through an endless barrage of bile inducing “real life dramas” that seem to unify the female populace into believing that even if something horribly tragic hasn’t happened to them, it probably will during the commercial break.
  8. To split an infinitive…or to divide by zero…whichever.
  9. I would like to translate some of the Dead Sea Scrolls to prove that Angela and Brad are adopting another child from Bora Bora so that their twin hell spawns have something to feed on after they are birthed unto the world, thus breaking the seventh seal, bringing about the time of darkness.
  10. To have hot monkey lovin’ with the cast of Planet of the Apes: The Musical!


Top Ten Reasons I Question My Masculinity

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I Am Secure In Carrying My Man Purse

  1. I know the lyrics to most of Lady Gaga’s songs.
  2. I know that my woman is an Autumn and not a Winter, as she so erroneously believes.
  3. I can tell the difference between a green, a pink or a yellow based beige.
  4. I have been referred to as being “snarky.”
  5. I misunderstood and brought a tube of lube when some guys asked if I wanted to play cornhole.
  6. I’m the one who decorates the house and picks the color schemes. It’s only because if my better half were allowed to do it, it would look as if a Serbian whore had eaten a Family Dollar store, washed it down with a blueberry Slurpee and then vomited the whole mess up in our living room.
  7. I won’t watch football, baseball, hockey or basketball…but I will watch figure skating and gymnastics.
  8. My mom calls to discuss her plans on interior decorating.
  9. On that point, and not to cast any blame or anything, my mom wanted me to become a hairdresser. My grandmother wanted me to become a priest, so either way…
  10. I pick out fabulous greeting cards!

Top Ten Songs I Want Played At My Funeral

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Compositions For Decomposition

  1. Your Time Is Gonna Come – Led Zeppelin
  2. Man In The Box – Alice In Chains
  3. 6 Underground – Sneaker Pimps
  4. Close My Eyes Forever – Lita Ford & Ozzy Osbourne
  5. Dress Sexy At My Funeral – Smog
  6. People Who Died – Jim Carroll Band
  7. Electric Funeral – Black Sabbath
  8. Happy Phantom – Tori Amos
  9. Down In A Hole – Alice In Chains
  10. The End – The Doors