There is something worse than losing everything, the feeling that you’ll never have it again. What is everything though? It’s been a short while since last I wrote and while I know I’m getting closer to realizing who I truly am, I’m still just trying to figure things out. The world around us is changing and as such, I think women are evolving. Our goals have changed and who we are is more defined by our own perception of ourselves and not what those around us may think. Our circumstances affect us less and our strength at times seems limitless. At least for myself, this is the case.
Growing up I remember fantasizing about things I’m sure most young women do. I envisioned my life being “normal”, that I would get married and have a family and that I would do it all within a reasonable time frame. Never once really questioning what normal was and when a reasonable time frame was. I can recall a conversation with friends about a decade ago when I said, “I will never be that girl, 30 something and single, going on one disastrous date after the other.” No I would never be that girl. Well, here I am. That girl.
The irony of it all is that now, a decade later and after almost 3 years of being single I’ve found that being that girl has been a remarkable learning experience as well as fun. One of which I wouldn’t trade for that normal life in it’s normal time frame. I’m comfortable with who I am even if it changes from day to day, which it does. At times I do find it increasingly difficult to reconcile the past with my future, but each day I feel myself getting closer to the person I know I am meant to be, no matter how uncomfortable it makes the people the around me.
My life has been an adventure, happenings that are both audacious and poignant. Some of which at times have left me questioning everything, but never myself – and that is progress. Toxic bachelors and nice guys I don’t want have all crossed my path. Horizontal nights and being okay with a good time (not a long time) have all helped me to reach what I believe is just the surface of this new self awareness. There is no true story about sex, love and relationships and it means something different to everyone. There is no “normal.” What fits for you may not be normal and you have to be okay with that.
There was a time when all I wanted was to fit in, to be part of this “normal” that everyone was experiencing. I find myself less inspired by the draw of some imaginary elite social scene or the picture perfect life and more inspired by myself. When you start to be okay with who you are, you start to see that not everything is as it seems and those happy people around you are also sometimes struggling inside… struggling to be normal. I’ve realized the first step to uncovering all of my dreams is listening. Not to the noise around me judging and trying to sway me in a certain direction, but to myself .. to my own desires..to my own passions. This direction is where I’ve found happiness.
I’m okay with those indelible moments of my past because I realize we really have to go through life changing events to change for the better. Fulfillment has many shades and what we learn on our way to it is that sometimes it’s not what you used to fantasize about. In fact, it may be something entirely different.
In hindsight, loss, pain and sadness are where the journey began. Something happens in despair. There’s a point where you look within and realize what happens next is entirely up to you. Love is truly something that is found in time … but the first place to find it is in your own heart. That is where your journey should lead you. Loving and accepting yourself.
At times it seems like I am the only female who feels the way I do about all of the above. I see women daily who wrap themselves up in a relationship so much so they’ve forgotten who they are and all those around them, it’s disturbing to watch. Would love to know that there are more singles out there who see things as I do. While I love to entertain my friends with my wild stories and make them blush with my outrageous antics, sometimes I wish I wasn’t so different.
I’m not the conventional woman. I will never be a Stepford Wife. I will never live a cookie cutter life. I’m independent, strong and uncontrollably wild at times. I’m not looking to be swept off of my feet but odds are my sparkling wit and insatiable appetite for fun in life will sweep you off of yours. My life is far from normal and my future is open ended. I may not be the right kind, but I believe I am the good kind and eventually when the time is right someone will find me.
About those adventures from this past year, I plan on sharing them without a filter. Stay tuned.