Max Spang

About Max Spang

Max Spang is a professional video producer and co-founder of Catapult Creative, an avid home brewer, and an amateur connoisseur of fine craft beers. With a focus on promoting the craft beer community in his hometown of Dayton, Ohio, he is ever vigilant in hunting down the next great sample, pint, or bottle of beer.

Carillon Brewing Company: Come for the history, stay for the beer

August 21, 2014 By Max Spang

There’s no doubt about it, Daytonians love beer. Considering Dayton’s long history with beer, it’s no surprise we like to wet our whistles with the stuff. The brewing industry was booming in Dayton up until stupid Prohibition, and I like to imagine all of the great Dayton icons clinking together their mugs after a long day of inventing stuff. Luckily for us, Carillon Brewing Company will be giving us an opportunity to see what it was like to have a brewery in 1850’s Dayton. It’s kind of like going to an exhibit about brewing in the 19th Century and then getting to drink the beer, wine, and cider once they’re done… Come to think of it, that’s exactly what it is.

The Building

As you probably would imagine, creating an authentic 19th century experience in the 21st century is no easy task. But even before entering, the building’s brick exterior, hand-painted signage, and dozens of pastoral windows create an old-world atmosphere. When you pass through the giant wooden entrance doors, you see that brick paneling line the walls, and gigantic solid pieces of un-sanded timber wood provide the support to the wide-open, two story interior. The rustic wooden tables were hand-made by the staff, including Tanya Brock, the manager of Carillon Brewing, and Brady Kress, the President and CEO of Dayton History. The seasonal bier garden, which seats around 100 people, will feature an outdoor bar, and will be lit by live gas lanterns. To contrast the 1850’s atmosphere, behind-the-scenes areas are completely contemporary. The kitchen, for example, is full of pristine stainless steel. However, these modern amenities don’t take away from the experience of stepping into a 19th century brewpub.

The Restaurant

The restaurant, which will be open for lunch and dinner, will feature dishes that are inspired mainly by German cuisine, but will also have influences of Irish and English fare. The inspiration for the menu comes from the fact that many of the early Dayton breweries were owned and operated by 1st or 2nd generation German families.

The Brewery

In the main dining area (which seats around 180 guests) sits the brewery, which is a two story, three-tiered brick oven. It will serve as both a functional brewery and an interactive exhibit; patrons will not only be able to sample the beer, but will get to aid in the brewing process. This alone makes Carillon Brewing Company a unique visit for Daytonians and tourists alike. Once the beer has finished fermenting and conditioning, it will be served out of taps in oak barrels. The brewing system will utilize good ol’ fashioned fire for heating, and gravity to move from the mash to the boil.

Closing a 164-year gap

It’s hard not to be excited about Dayton after visiting Carillon Brewing. As with the other exhibits at Carillon Park, they strive to make the experience as authentic as possible. It’s worth visiting for a number of amazing reasons, not the least of which is pre-prohibition beer.

They will be having a soft opening on Friday, August 22nd. The restaurant and brewery will be fully operational within a month. The hours will be Monday through Saturday 9:30 AM -10:00 PM and Sunday 11:00am- 10:00pm, with food service starting at 11:00am daily.

Special thanks to Tom Gilliam of @DaytonGram and @DaytonHistory for providing photographs.

How to drink beer in the shower

February 28, 2014 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

via The Nate Green Experience

Beer has been around longer than showers have. Way longer, actually, which means people were getting drunk and smelly well before it was commonplace to bathe every single day. Considering all the black plague and polio going around, who could blame them for wanting to be wasted all the time? Nowadays, we have so much clean water in our society that we literally poop in it (I’m not above toilet jokes here, folks). We even waste gallons of the life-saving stuff each time we shower. Yet, with all of these modern marvels of sanitation technology, we seldom do anything in the shower other than wash ourselves, urinate down our legs, procreate, and mentally relive embarrassing situations. Fortunately, people from all around the world have been stepping up their shower game lately. But drinking beer in the shower is nothing if not confusing… probably. I’m here to finally end the confusion and prevent you from ending up with soapy shards of glass in your cornea or, even worse, spilled beer.

Make sure your beer is cold

This ~~whole article~~ probably goes without saying, but you’re going to be in a tiny room with hot water cascading towards you at a rapid rate. It’s going to heat things up, so you need to be prepared by maximizing the chillocity of your beverage. Canned beer is perfect for this. Toss one of those bad boys in the freezer for a few minutes while you commence the bathing preparations. Before you know it, you’ll be experiencing the luxury of drinking an ice cold beverage and warming your entire body at the same time. Isn’t this country awesome? U-S-A! U-S-A!

Stock up on beer geek street cred

Let me explain; you can easily drink right out of the bottle or can like a normal person. However, if you want to be a super awesome beer geek then you shouldn’t be afraid to go the whole nine yards. Plus, it’s kind of awkward to be naked and to put something brown and phallic-shaped up to your lips. Grab some appropriate glassware, artfully pour it into the glass, and savor the beer just like you would at a tasting except you’ll have shampoo in your hair. And you’ll be naked, unless of course you go to naked beer tastings, in which case you can add the next one to the Dayton Most Metro calendar. The point is that you need to look like a true beer geek at all times, even if nobody else is around. Otherwise you’re just a poser. Beer Geek? More like beer weak, am I right?

via The Daily Dot

Leave your morals at the door

Drinking alcohol opens the door for other, um, activities. While there’s no shame in innocently chugging four of five brewskis in the shower by yourself and passing out on the couch with a towel barely wrapped around you, we all know that drinking leads to debauchery. I encourage you to bring a friend or two along and have a shower party. Did I mention you’ll already be naked? I’m not going to suggest anything explicit on here (other than riding a moose with a loved one), but keep in mind that drinking alone is one of the signs of alcoholism. Although, on the other hand…

Wallow alone

Both drinking and showering are great ways to indulge in self pity and reflect on all your mistakes in life, especially first thing in the morning. Remember when I said there was no shame in drinking by yourself? I was lying. At the risk of completely dismissing this whole article in one sentence, if you’re drinking solo in the shower then you’ll probably end up dying alone. You know that one special person that got away? They never actually loved you. They never actually needed you, and they are better off without you. Think about that and drink up. Remember, tears are harder to spot in the shower.

Pics or it didn’t happen

What’s the point of doing anything unless you post hundreds of pictures of it to facebook? Take a whole bunch of photos of you getting your drink on in the wash room, slap some Instagram filters on’em, and put them all over the internet. Check in on untappd and let everyone know you’re showering. Remember, you’re only worth as much as the number of likes you get. People will love how outside-the-box your mind works, and before you know it your Klout score will go up a point or two.

By the way, don’t forget to share this article on facebook, Twitter, Pintrest, Tumblr, Instagram, Snapchat, Live Journal, Xanga, and Myspace.

10 things that only introverted Breaking Bad fans who grew up in the 90’s will understand (NSFW)

December 30, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

This is the time of year when we sit back and reflect about all the neat stuff that happened throughout the year. 2013 had its fair share: space travel, social issues, political scandal, your favorite celebrity’s new haircut, and a whole bunch of other important stuff. Though, perhaps none of the events are as culturally important as the rise of the “listicle“.

You know what’s hard? Writing. You know what’s even harder? Getting people to read what you wrote. I mean, who wants to sit there and look at a page full of disgusting words? Boring losers, that’s who. Sure, words have the power to move you, to make you laugh, to make you cry, to inspire you, to educate you, and overall make you a better person. But on the other hand it’s hard to, you know, read. I’d rather look at an extremely shareable list of irrelevant memes and gifs! Original and compelling content is for chumps, so I spent absolutely no time doing research and compiled this list of things that are probably popular with my target demographic. Just to be safe, I put “NSFW” (Not Safe For Work) on the title so you’d think there’s boobs or something and click on it. What you are abut to see is… Oh, who am I kidding, you’ve probably scrolled right past this paragraph anyway. Get your hashtags ready, ’cause here’s some stuff I google’d:

1. This is my reaction to listicles

2. Blah blah, something about Miley Cyrus and twerking

3. Here’s a picture of a cat. Cats are still cool, right?

4. Actually, all of this content came from Reddit two days ago

5. Look, Jennifer Lawrence and Zoey Deschanel did something!

6. I spent 10 minutes on this article

7. This pug literally just can’t right now

8. I just want to be hip.

9. I just kind of like this .gif

10. I’m actually just a machine that auto-generates lists like this. PRAISE BE TO OUR ROBOTIC OVERLORD!

BECOME ONE OF US. SHARE THIS POST. INFECT OTHERS.

Beer puns: I can barley stand them

August 26, 2013 By Max Spang 1 Comment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwEqTbaFVXU

Big Pun was not a player, he just f****d a lot.

Remember Big Pun? Dude was a robust rapper whose biggest hit was about banging chicks. This was a simpler time back in 1998 when fat guys could get famous by talking about how much tail they got and nobody would question them. Anyway, in my half-assed attempt to try to segue into the actual article, I’d like to point out that I bet Big Pun could take down a few pints of beers without it even phasing him. Like the rapper himself, there are some pretty big puns in the beer world. This little article is going to explore (read: poke fun of) some of the most punishing puns out there. And yes, I’m going to try to cram as many puns in here as I can. Hopefully you will catch on to my rye wit. It’s the yeast I can do. (Bam, three puns right there).

Hop on the pun train

Head on over to Beeradvocate and check out their top beers for Imperial IPAs and look at some of the names. Hopslam, Hopsicle, Pure Hoppiness… Everyone has their own version of a hop pun, and that’s not just hop-perbole (eh..). The word “hop” is probably the easiest beer-related word that you can make puns with. Making an IPA with apricots? Boom, “Aprihop”. Releasing a hoppy red ale in the fall? Boom, “Red Hoptober”. Want to convey that the beer is so bitter that it will literally kill you? Boom, “Hopsecutioner”. The list is almost never ending, and frankly it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Homebrewers are getting in on the action as well; Brent Osborn from Osborn Brewing recently posted a label for a beer called Hopstitute. That’s a hop prostitute in case you didn’t catch it.

$1.99 per ounce, or $199 per hour.

Fermentationalism Sensationalism: Breweries grounded in puns

Patrick Rue started a brewery and called it The Bruery. Get it? Of course you do. But they don’t just stop at their name, they like to come up with all kinds of puns. “Rueuze” is their version of a gueuze. “Tart of Darkness” is their sour black ale. “Chocosaurus Rye” is their chocolate rye beer. “Loakal Red” is their red ale that is aged in oak and is only available to the locals near the brewery (how’s that for specific?). The list goes on and on. At least they aren’t rued about it. Another brewery located in Louisville called Against the Grain has an affinity for making beers that pack a PUNch: Judas Yeast, Tickle Me Ale-mo, Raucho Man Randy Beverage, My Hammy Weiss, Quiet RYE-it… I could seriously name any of their beers right now. Just look at all their beers and you’ll see what I mean. There are more breweries who have notoriously punbelievable beer names: Dogfish Head, Cigar City, Three Floyds, Oskar Blues, Surly, Great Lakes, and… well, pretty much every other brewery out there.

Imperial Entendre

I have a theory about why puns are so rampant in the beer world. You see, the truth about beer people is that they are all kind of dorks. I’m very much putting myself into this category. Being dorks, we like to make dorky jokes, and what’s dorkier than a good pun? Beer geeks like to come up with clever little puns to make their beer geek friends chuckle. I can speak from firsthand experience; I have made beers that only came about because I thought of a stupid name first. For example, I thought it would be funny to name a beer “Brett Michaels” and ferment it with Brettanomyces, so my next batch is going to be a beer with Brettanomyces. The name came before the beer. So now when people come over, they get to taste Brett Michaels. It’s stupid and dorky, but that’s who we are.

Just like bananas, these puns are appealing

I couldn’t be bothered to actually spend time researching this train wreck of an article, so I recently asked some of the local beer geeks what some of their favorite beer puns were. Here’s a few of the best:

Hoptimus Prime
Black Hops
Java the Hop
Cure what ales you
Hopstitute
Imperial stout trooper
Tricerahops
Hell Or High Watermelon
Hopportunity Knocks
Just the TIPA (one of my personal favorites)
Hoptical Illusion
Men in Bock
Genghis Pecan
Boom Shakalager
Groundskeeper Spilly
Mama’s Little Yella Pils
For Those About to Bock
There Will Be Black (I DRINK IT UP)
IBUsive
Stop, Hop and Roll
Alphaphylactic Hop
Dry Humpkin
Hoppy Seconds
Yippie Rye Aye
Citra Ass Down!
Spruce Willis
You Will Fail Ale
Goser the Gosarian
Apocalypse Cow
Pandora’s Bock
Me, My Spelt, and Rye
Wet Hop American Summer

These are all real names for beer. Seriously, google them. Want some more beer pun fun? Check out Bad Beer Puns on Twitter. I got a chuckle from “Lambic Pentameter”.

What’s your favorite beer pun? Hop on over to the comments section and let me know. Or don’t, I don’t care.

Berliner Weisse and everything nice

August 2, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

You know what I love? Drinking a whole bunch of beer all at once. I mean, I know beer geeks like to go on and on about sitting back and taking your time with a beer. “Sip the beer conservatively, letting it warm up and blossom in your glass like a fine port wine blah blah blah”. I’m a busy guy. Sometimes I want to take a couple of beers to the dome before driving my kids to their soccer game. (Just kidding. About having kids, that is.) But man, with all this Kraft Macaroni Beer or whatever it’s called being 7% and up, it’s tough to pound a six pack without falling on your donkey. Luckily, there’s the wonderful world of session beers, and my personal favorite is the Berliner Weisse. That’s why I usually grab a Berliner when I need to fill up my styrofoam Big Gulp and hit the road. (I’m kidding. Don’t drink and drive).

What the hell is a Berliner Weiss?

Berliners are little guys, usually around 3% ABV. They are are dry, tart, and refreshing. Sometimes, American brewers will get all fancy and make their “Imperial” Berliners upwards of 6%, but technically speaking they shouldn’t be anywhere near that high. Usually consisting of pilsner malt and wheat, the beer has no hop character whatsoever. In fact, sometimes hops aren’t added at all. The beer can be brewed a few different ways, but the most common is a no-boil and a little to no hop mashing process. The tartness comes from the wonderful bacteria Lactobacillus, which is the same stuff found in yogurt that gives it the twang. Occasionally Berliners will have Brettanomyces, a “wild” yeast that produces flavors that craft beer aficionados will refer to as “funky”. Don’t let that dissuade you, though, because even though Berliners feature bacteria and wild yeast, they usually taste quite clean. They are very approachable and kind of like the training wheels of sour beers.

The History of Berliners

You may have guessed that this beer comes from Berlin, Germany. It dates back to the 16th century, and was at one time the most popular alcoholic beverage in Berlin. There is a popular story that in 1809, Napoleon’s troops dubbed this beer the “Champagne of the North”. In recent years, the style has lost its market share and it is difficult to find examples outside of Berlin. In Germany, the beer is almost never served by itself but rather with fruit syrup, raspberry and Woodruff being the most common. While unblended Berliners are fairly common in the United States, you may get a strange look if you order this beer in Germany without the syrup addition. Americans are so cray-cray.

Commercial Examples

Unfortunately, there aren’t a whole lot of Berliners floating around compared to more popular styles like IPAs. Luckily, the ones that are available are pretty delicious. Hands down, my favorite is Professor Fritz 1809. This is pretty much the quintessential Berliner Weiss available around here (even though it’s a bit high at around 5% ABV). In my experience, there is some slight bottle variation; some are a bit more sour than others, but they are always fantastic. Another fine example is The Bruery’s Hottenroth, which features both Lactobacillus and Brettanomyces. As with all of The Bruery’s bottled beers, this one comes in a 750ml bottle so it’s perfect for sharing with a few friends. Though there is some debate as to whether or not it’s a true Berliner Weisse, Bell’s Oarsman Ale is a wonderful little beer that is very refreshing. They use a sour mash to produce the tartness, and I usually have a bottle or two in the fridge at all times. Want something a little fruitier? Dogfish Head’s Festina Peche is fermented with peaches, something that isn’t exactly traditional but gives some wonderful sweetness to balance the tartness.

Brewing a Berliner

Unlike pretty much any other sour beer, Berliner Weisse beers are fairly simple to brew and don’t take nearly as long. There are a lot of different techniques that brewers use to create the tart, lemony flavor. Some brewers use a sour mash, which is literally letting the grains partially ferment before adding any yeast. Malted grain is naturally covered in Lactobacillus, so letting the beer sit at around 120 degrees Fahrenheit for a day or two will produce sourness. Then, the brewer can sparge, heat the wort, cool it down, and add ale yeast like any other beer. Another technique is to add the Lacto to the wort before adding any ale yeast. This is the method I have done in the past and I’ve had good results. Giving the Lacto a day or two head start will ensure that there is enough sugar for the bacteria to eat rather than the ale yeast dominating. A third technique is to add the Lacto and ale yeast all at once, though sometimes the ale yeast will ferment the beer out before the bacteria has a chance to consume the sugar and produce acidity. Whatever method you use, you want to keep it warm (around 110-120 degrees) and make sure you don’t add very many hops to the beer as Lactobacillus won’t work in a hoppy environment. Keep your bacteria happy, not hoppy.

So there you have it. Berliner Weisse beers are the nectar of the gods. Very few beers are as both satisfying and refreshing at the same time. Sour beers aren’t everyone’s cup of tea, but Berliners are pretty easy-going. I like to think of them as the alcoholic’s alternative to lemonade. Next time you cut the grass, consider reaching for a Berliner Weisse to cool off.

The Affligem Pouring Kit or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Being a Sell Out

June 1, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

If you have a blog long enough, people will hit you up about all kinds of things: events, guest posts, “affordable marketing”, “long term SEO options”, and a whole bunch of other stuff that you will tend to ignore. However, I recently got an email that I didn’t ignore. It was from Affligem, a Belgian brewery that has apparently been making beer for 950 years, though I had never heard of them. They offered to send me one of their pouring kits free-of-charge. Me being the snob that I am, I am skeptical of any brand of beer that I haven’t heard of, much less one that has enough cash to send free stuff to me for my little dog-and-pony articles. But I’m not so snobby that I’d turn down a free Belgian Blond (or Blonde). Heck, most of the Belgian Blondes I’ve encountered charge by the half-hour. So, I decided to be a complete sell-out and write about their pouring kit. Street cred be damned.

I opened my package to find a large Belgian chalice, an adorable little glass, a wooden serving tray, and a bottle of their Blond. I ignored the fact that had zero verification to see if I was over 21 and decided to watch the video that explains what all this extra stuff was for. As it turns out, one is supposed to pour 90% of the beer into the big glass, then pour the remaining 10% (which has the yeast) into the little baby glass. The drinker can then decide whether to drink the beer without yeast, mix the yeast into the beer, or drink the yeast by itself. Admittedly, this gimmick is a pretty neat idea. You always hear about how you’re supposed to drink the yeast in some beers and leave it out in others, but why not have the option of both? Plus, it seems like it’s a good way to really understand what kind of flavors the yeast adds to bottle-conditioned beers. Sure, it’s not really practical to drink out of two glasses at the same time but who am I to judge? I’m drinking out of two right now (if you consider a flask and a mason jar to both be glasses, that is).

Affligem Blond is 7% ABV, and is classified as a Belgian Pale Ale. It is produced year round, and the company that produces it is owned by Heineken (which is probably why they have such a big budget and why I’ve never heard of it). And after hearing it pronounced 50 times in that video, I now know that it’s “Ah-Fleh-Ghem”, not “Ah-phlegm” like my brain kept wanting to say.

I did the whole shebang and poured the beer and yeast separately, smelled them both, tasted them both, then combined them. Here is my impression of the whole experience

Blond (sans yeast)

The Blond poured a clear deep straw color, almost like a Budweiser that is about twice as dark. It was visibly effervescent and had a rather large white head that left minimal lacing. The aroma was pretty typical of a Belgian Blond; it had a lot of banana and clove, as well as some slight citrus and other sweet spice character. The flavor followed the nose pretty closely, with banana and clove being the dominant flavors. There was some cereal flavors that reminded me of corn flakes. The 7% was very well hidden, and the carbonation level was high and left a prickly feeling on the tongue. Overall, it was kind of watered down and sort of average. Tasty, but average.

Yeast

The yeast was quite a bit cloudier than the regular beer for obvious reasons. It smelled almost the same, though it was a bit more muted overall and had some nice bread character that was missing from the base beer. The taste was, as you would expect, pretty much the same though it had a bit more bitterness and less citrus. It had a lingering flavor that hung around in the mouth that reminded me of bread dough. The flavors were somewhat muted compared to the regular Blond.

Blond/Yeast Mixed

This was pretty surprising – this was quite a bit different than the separated elements. It was similar to the Blond without yeast, though it had a fuller flavor and, oddly enough, a bigger perceived mouthfeel. The strong flavors of the regular Blond were there, and the added bitterness and bread flavors from the yeast added complexity. The mix was by far my favorite version of the Affligem. If you were to try this beer out of the bottle, I would recommend dumping it all in rather than excluding the yeast.

Overall

This was a mildly fun learning experience. The whole thing was pretty cute, but I wouldn’t go bang down the doors of your favorite beer shop to get your hands on the pouring kit. I guess it would be cool for a classy beer bar to have one or two of these on hand. Or, maybe you could whip it out at a tasting to show people what kind of flavors are produced by yeast. Or maybe you could show it off to someone you are trying to get in the sack. Or maybe you got it for free in the mail randomly and write a blog post about it. Whatever the case, I don’t think I’ll use it other than this one time. At the very least, I’ll use the little baby yeast glass more than anything else in the kit. It holds just about enough to get a good taste of something at a bottle share. Plus, look how stinkin’ cute it is. It’s adorable! It’s like a glass for fairies or something.

I don’t want it to sound like I’m sitting here bashing Affligem for this. In fact, I think they are doing a great job with their marketing. Almost everything about what they are doing with this pouring kit is pretty impressive. It’s just a little gimmicky, and frankly kind of faux snooty. But really, I guess my point for this whole thing is that I really love getting free stuff, especially beer. So if anyone wants to send me free beer, for the love of God get ahold of me. I might even write a stupid blog post about it.

How to be an awesome beer reviewer

April 11, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

This is what an awesome beer reviewer looks like

Please note that this article is not meant to be taken seriously.

So, you’ve stepped into the craft beer world. You’ve stopped drinking out of the bottle like a hobo, started letting your beer warm up a bit before drinking, and you now use words like “snifter” and twirl your beer around in the glass like an idiot on a regular basis. Now you’re telling me that you want to be a beer reviewer? Alright, tough guy (or gal), I am going to lend you my expertise into this lucrative and glamorous world of beer reviewing. Below is a guide that I have developed over the past two years of super professional beer reviews that should help you get your feet (and lips) wet. Just look at my friend Gus up there. That is what a professional beer reviewer looks like.

Know what the hell you are reviewing

What the hell is beer, anyway? What makes a stout different from an IPA? Why do I feel differently after downing an entire six pack alone in my house on a Monday night? Do my parents really love me? Most of these are questions you ought to be able to answer before you even think about going to Beer Review Town. I’m not saying you need to be the Rain Man of beer, but you have to have some familiarity with beer. Learn it. There’s a book on the subject: it’s available at the bar.

Be better than everyone

Now that you know your beer, who do you think you are? What makes you think your palate is so much better than Joey Sixpack’s? Why should I even bother with looking at your reviews in the first place? These are questions that you should expect, and you should have an answer; “Because I am better than everyone”. You think beer is a game? It’s serious business, and you should treat it as such. Beer isn’t about relaxing or having good times with friends. It’s about proving to everyone that you know more than they do. Bill Jobs and Steve Gates didn’t make thousands (literally, thousands) of dollars by trying to be #2. Know what I’m saying? Only you can pick up on the subtle flavors and aromas from beer.

Throw in a little pizazz

You gotta sprinkle a little glitter on your reviews. Maybe it’s a cute sign off like saying “Prost!” at the end of your review (though, only turds do that. Don’t be a turd.). Maybe you like to use flowery language like “The appearance of this beer is reminiscent of the final vestige of a memory from my youth; the crest of the sunrise on a brisk summer morning in the foothills of New Albany.” Whatever you do, just make it your own. Or don’t. I don’t care. Is anyone even reading this?

Things to review

Appearance

Above: an example of a beer that looks gross.

Probably the least important thing about a beer (there, I said it), the appearance is a factor of the beer-drinking experience. Your review should reflect that. First off, you have to pour it into something. Then, look at that beer. Just look at it. What makes it look good or bad? Does it look flat with no head (lololol)? Is it sparkling like champagne? Is it glowing neon green with chunks of oysters floating in it? Take time to get to know your beer’s beauty marks. Sometimes a beer looks OK until you realize it’s got something gross like toes for thumbs like that wretched Megan Fox. To put it in other terms, checking out how a beer looks is like scoping that fine shorty (read: shawty) at the end of the bar. You can’t just run in and start shouting “HEY GIRL!” with your eyes closed. That only leads to a black eye and a restraining order. Trust me. You gotta give her the eyes first. My personal opinion is that you don’t want to spend a whole bunch of time writing out the appearance part because, frankly, most people have a good idea about what beer should look like. Also, nobody reads that part. Or any other part.

Smell

Put your nose all up in that beer. Aww, yeah. Smell it. Keep in mind most of the “flavors” we perceive in beer come from smell, not taste. Pro tip – if you’ve never smelled beer so hard you got foam in your nose, you’re doing it wrong. Describe what you smell in familiar terms. If it smells like chocolate and raisins, say it smells like chocolate and raisins. Twirl your glass around to generate a little more head (lolololol), then bury your nose back into the beer. Some beers have more pronounced aromas than others. An IPA smell a lot different and stronger than a Hefeweizen, but all beer has some kind of aroma. It helps if you are familiar with the ingredients of beer. Take some time to smell some malted barley and hops sometime (I could smell hops all day long and be happy… OR SHOULD I SAY HOPPY HAHA). Read about the beer to find out what they put into it. Can’t figure out what a certain smell is? Maybe it’s a crazy ingredient that they added. Or maybe your nose just sucks, but it shouldn’t (see the “Be better than everyone” section).

Taste

Don’t drink beer like this.

After about two hours of smelling and looking at your beer, you’ll finally get to taste it. Do you know how to taste beer? Do you? Really? If not, you had better learn. Don’t just pour it into your gullet. Sip it, then let it explore your palate. Breathe after you swallow. Remember, you are going to awesome, so don’t be afraid to sit at a bar with your eyes shut while taking 20 minutes per sip and moaning quietly to yourself. People will know you mean business. They will respect you and probably love you. Trust me. You want to describe the beer in terms that are familiar to you. Or just copy and paste what someone else wrote, which is what I do most of the time.

Mouthfeel

This is where you talk about how the beer feels. Is it creamy? Is it dry? Is it chunky? If it’s chunky, you should probably not drink it. Mouthfeel is also hilarious to say out loud. Go ahead, say it. Describe whether or not it’s a party in your mouth, and whether or not everyone is invited. Some beers are refreshing, while others require you to slice it with a knife and serve it next to Thanksgiving turkey. This is also another section that nobody reads. Seriously, who cares about anything with a hilarious name like “mouthfeel”? Most of the time they just skim over that word, laugh a little, then move on to the next section.

Summary

The biggest thing to remember is that tastes are not subjective. You are right 100% of the time. If anyone disagrees with you, they are wrong. You are right. I am right. I am awesome. You are awesome. See how that works?

The other important factor is… uh. Hmm. I kinda forgot where I was going with this, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I really hate Megan Fox. I know it’s sort of a roundabout way of saying it, but there it is. Her disgusting thumbs gross me out, and I think overall she’s just kind of a fake person. Your last name is Fox? Really, Megan? Pretty subtle pseudonym. Might as well just change your name to Boobs Boobs.

Prost!

Fantôme Saison, A Ghostly Brew

February 8, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

Man, you remember when saisons weren’t made by tiny breweries from Vermont and made up a good chunk of everyone’s best of list? It’s like you had to go to Belgium to get a good saison, and this one from Fantôme was (and still is) one of the most highly rated examples of the style. I got this bottle all the way from Belgium via the glorious internet, cracked it open, and did what every good beer geek does; took diligent notes. This fella clocks in at 8% ABV.

Appearance

The beer is getting its sais on (get it?). It pours a lovely hazy straw color with a huge white head. The lacing was ghostly throughout the whole session. It just hung around and stared at me while I wasn’t looking at it, then would turn away as soon as I faced it like those ghosts in Super Mario World. Nerdy ghost references? I got’em. [Read more…] about Fantôme Saison, A Ghostly Brew

2nd Annual MSD Brew Ha-Ha – Drink beer at school!

January 12, 2013 By Max Spang Leave a Comment

Remember when you were in grade school and the teacher would get all mad at you for cracking open a delicious IPA in the middle of class? And you’re all like “You don’t understand. This was only bottled 5 days ago!”. I can’t be the only one, can I? Well now is your chance to get back at your teacher and support the Montessori School of Dayton at the same time. The 2nd Annual MSD Brew Ha-Ha is happening on January 26, and this year is going to be great. Take that, Mrs. Virginia!

All joking aside, this is not an event that you’ll want to miss. There will be some beers available that are tough to find anywhere else – trust me when I say that. There will also be a bunch of your favorite beers from all of those Midwest breweries that make people on the coasts jealous.

Get your tickets today!

Join the Montessori School of Dayton for our 2nd annual Brew Ha-Ha craft beer event. It will be a great time to make a few new friends, enjoy a few laughs, taste a few amazing craft beers (and a few great soft drinks as well!) and enjoy some tasty food.

The Brew Ha-Ha (adults only) takes place January 26th from 6-10 pm. Tickets are $30 per person in advance and $35 the night of the event. Attendees receive 10 drink tickets along with a commemorative tasting pint glass. Additional tickets can be purchased at the door for $1 each. Also be sure to purchase raffle tickets to win prizes the night of the event. Proceeds benefit the MSD Capital Improvement fund for the purchase of a new gymnasium floor.

Like our first year, we will concentrate on Midwest craft breweries and offer an opportunity to learn about craft brewing and the wide variety of beer types and brewing styles. Come sample some of the midwest’s finest craft breweries — Brew Kettle, Rivertown, Hoppin’ Frog, Bell’s, New Holland, Troegs, Dark Horse, Founders, Two Brothers, Jolly Pumpkin and more!

We will also be offering on-site beer sales after the event on any opened cases. This will be a fun way to build your ideal six pack of craft beers from the evening.

Please feel free to invite your friends and families to join. Space is limited so get your tickets early!

Oskar Blues Ten Fidy: CAN you dig it?

October 22, 2012 By Max Spang 8 Comments

So, to my fellow Ohioans, remember when Yuengling came rolling into town? It was chaos. People went absolutely bonkers for that beer. There were villagers with pitchforks, fires in the streets, and I can recall at least three riots just in the tiny cul de sac I live in… which is weird because I don’t even think my neighbors drink beer. I think a few people died. We are used to seeing Yuengling at every bar and gas station around here now, but at first it was nuts. Whatever, the point is that Ohioans love new beer. This week, a little brewery by the name of Oskar Blues came rolling in like they owned the place (and they totally do). Unlike with Yuengling, which caters to a wider audience (nothing wrong with that, I might add!), this time it was time for the beer geeks to take to the streets and rejoice. “Can it be true?” we shouted while lighting our torches. “Is Oskar Blues finally on our shelves?”. Yes, yes indeed they are. And holy crap I’m excited.

If you aren’t familiar (or if you haven’t been to pretty much any other state), Oskar Blues made all those delicious craft beers in cans before it was cool to put craft beers in cans. I’m talking ten years ago! Among their canned beauties is the massive imperial stout Ten Fidy, which is probably the most famous and delicious imperial stouts found inside of aluminum. It’s right up there with greats like Plead the Fifth, Expedition Stout, BORIS, and Blackout Stout… Except it comes in a flippin’ can! You crack it open like Natty Light, except it pours like motor oil and tastes good.

Ten Fidy is named so because the alcohol content is 10.50% ABV. Just FYI, “ten fidy” is how the cool kids say “ten point five”. Keep that in mind next time you go shoe shopping. It’s 98 IBUs (International Bittering Units), which helps balance the huge malt flavor. I don’t know how they make it, but I assume that it’s made with a stupid amount of malt and unicorn blood for added tasty magic. Admittedly, it’s a tad pricey at $13-$15 for a 4-pack, but trust me when I tell you that it’s a small price to pay considering how delicious it is. Did I mention it’s delicious? It’s delicious.

A few months ago, I grabbed some of this beer from some website and filmed a review of it. I’m sipping this beer as I type this, and let me tell you it probably holds up to whatever the hell I said in this video (I can’t be bothered to actually re-watch it). So check it out. Or don’t. I don’t care, just go grab some Ten Fidy and thank me later.

[yframe url=’http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwkfWSf7WJk’]

Also make sure you keep your eyes peeled for all the other fantastic Oskar Blues cans like Dale’s Pale Ale, G’knight, Old Chub, and pretty much anything else that has the words “Oskar” and “Blues” on the label.