Intoxicated royalty: The “Awful Waffle”

Here is another original food story that you won’t see anywhere else. However, it is a part of Miami Valley eating that is worth mentioning. Behold the dreaded DRUNK DINING.

We have all been there, or at least helped a friend through a night of inebriation. What’s the best fix? Answer: Soak up that alcohol up with a full blown Food Adventure. We are here to help you, not unlike Betty Ford, but our expertise is more on the caloric end. The Big Ragu, Chef House and Hungry Jax have compiled Dayton’s first ever TOP 6 DRUNK DINING SPOTS. These are just our six pack. We would love your comments below on who made your list.

1) THE WAFFLE HOUSE – The greasy spoon, the unruly crowd. Simply put, the ‘awful waffle.’ The only time that the Waffle House sounds good is when you are too drunk to know what you are getting yourself into. Go in this place at 2:30 a.m. and not a sober person is to be found. It is a land where diets are blown and the key words are smothered and covered. We are talking about hash browns, covered with cheese and another assortment of ingredients. The rest of the food isn’t worth mentioning and the good thing is that you won’t remember anyhow. We also recommend not going into the bathrooms after 3 a.m, it looks like a war zone in there. This restaurant gets extra points for the sheer entertainment factor of other drunks in the dining room. It is like a 3D movie, but without those annoying glasses.

The sign is like a beacon, calling all buzzed

2) PERKINS – Pound for pound, their waitresses are the biggest bad asses. Some have even been seen chasing drunk patrons in the parking lot. But alas, the wonderful, green neon sign is a beacon. It calls to inebriated souls to come in and sober up with some pancakes. In fact, they have some of our the pancakes around. But don’t mess around with the Sugar Free Syrup, we learned the hard way that it screws up a perfectly done pancake. Perkins also offers many fried foods such as cheese sticks, green beans, chicken tenders. If that won’t sober you up, at the front counter is a bakery display with muffins the size of your head. Those should surely soak up the booze. A full breakfast and dinner menu offers plenty of choices that will act as a sponge in your stomach, sucking you back into sobriety.

3) TACO BELL – If your vision is blurry then a ‘run for the border’ is in order. The late night drive thru makes life simple. This might be everyone’s “Go To” drunk dining place. The food is cheap, the meat and tastes so damn good when you are a bit hammered. The worst part of Taco ‘Hell’ is that the drive thru that takes forever. That would be because every other drunk person has the same idea as you. What do we recommend here? Does it really matter? It is all the same. Flour Tortilla, Melted Cheese, & that questionable ‘meat product’ loaded with fillers. For you healthy drunks out there, there is the Cantina Collection of lower calorie options. Like it matters at this point! Drawbacks like ‘early morning gas’ kept this restaurant out of the number 2 spot.

Mexican Pizza – because red sauce & bean paste is a good idea to mix into a volatile stomach

4) WHITE CASTLE – Oh, how we love our White Castle! It is one of greatest dining experiences a person can have either drunk or sober. First, the strong smell of the onions will start to sober you up immediately. Secondly, the first one tastes so damn good, you just keep stuffing yourself until you don’t know any better. Want a side dish? Splurge on a get a large sack of onion chips and go to town on these. When your friends are drunky pants, White Castle will make them dance. Get a crave case, that way you won’t crave em for a while. We particularly love when our friends launch into philosophical drunk conversations about why there are 5 hole punches in the meat patty. The bad news is the 24hour White Castle Restaurants are only in Cincinnati these days. You’re buzzed and happy and then all of a sudden it happens. A belch and then the stomach cramps. It is pretty much all over from here. Our advice: Roll the windows down on the way home so you don’t create a “Rolling Dutch Oven” (you might have to google that term). It is the gift that keeps on giving because the next morning, you can be assured that you will be doing a lot of sitting. You know why they call them sliders? Because they slide in and slide out. Unfortunately, only 2 White Castles are nearby. One is on Salem Ave and the other is in Franklin off I-75.

Onion chips soak up the alcohol

5) STEAK N SHAKE – This restaurant is the only late night choice for drive thru OR dining alongside other corralled patrons. The slick floors offer an obstacle course like dining room for some of the more drunk guests. It is like Russian roulette to see who gets squeezed into a booth next to the Big Ragu for an elbow filled eating experience. Great prices and decent drunk food make this a stellar choice, probably one of the greatest drunk dining spots in America! The burgers and shakes are incredible. The staff are used to drunk bastards, and they will even give your drunk ass one of those little white Steak n Shake paper hats to wear while dining. This place has food that mixes well with alcohol like chili cheese dogs, steak burgers & milk shakes. Plus it is open 24 hours and serves breakfast.

6) DENNY’S – This is one of the more interesting places that you can visit after 3am. There is only one remaining in Dayton, on S. Main St. near the fairgrounds. The food isn’t the greatest but does the trick. We actually love the onion rings. The choices from dinner to breakfast give you a good variety, if you can read the menu at this point. Denny’s is the best spot to see an unusual variety of people from all walks of life. Nothing says drunk dining like eating a Grand Slam Breakfast next to a drag queen.